


The Desire to Be Known

by WritingIsMyCoffee



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A cross between a TLJ and TROS rewrite and a post series fic, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternating Timelines, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everyone Is Doing Their Best, F/F, Finn is a Mess, Flashbacks, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghosts, Found Family, Gen, In a traditional and nontraditional sense, M/M, Playing fast and loose with Star Wars lore, Space Politics, Warnings listed before each chapter if needed, but not too much of it, slowburn, so is poe, we got enough political turmoil on this planet alone, you’ll see what I mean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22327468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingIsMyCoffee/pseuds/WritingIsMyCoffee
Summary: “Finn peers into his center, his ever spreading roots, and tries to find himself.The light. Rey. Poe. BB-8. Rose. Chewie. The Falcon. General Organa.The dark. His armor. Starkiller Base. Phasma. Dark corridors. Cold destroyers. His issued blaster. The stitches along his jacket.Though that feeds back into the light. Generosity. Acceptance. Family. It’s all connected. It’s all balanced.Yet he can’t find what he's looking for. And the force refuses to show him.“The war is over, and Finn is struggling.[Discontinued]
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Finn & Rose Tico, Jannah/Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	1. Imbalance

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I'm cursed to never write a stormpilot fic I like but I like where this one's going so far and I'm determined to stick with it as long as I can (I say, having already deleted another SW fic I was writing on here bc I hated it so much)
> 
> I've got part of a plan for how this is gonna go so hang on tight and enjoy the ride wherever it takes us!! 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: There is a borderline panic attack and a moment where one of our characters is nearly strangled. Stay safe buds and don't read what you're not comfortable with

“Feel the force.”

“Feel...the force.”

“Let its energy flow through you.”

Finn takes a deep breath, rolling his shoulders. “Letting it flow.”

“Focus. On the light. On the dark. Everything you feel, and where it stems from.”

He peers into his center, his ever spreading roots, and tries to find himself.

The light. Rey. Poe. BB-8. Rose. Chewie. The  _ Falcon _ . General Organa.

The dark. His armor. Starkiller Base. Phasma. Dark corridors. Cold destroyers. His issued blaster. The stitches along his jacket.

Though that feeds back into the light. Generocity. Acceptance. Family. It’s all connected. It’s all balanced.

Yet he can’t find what he's looking for. And the force refuses to show him.

Finn opens his eyes, the hand he had raised plopping into his lap. “I felt nothing.”

“You lifted one rock,” Rey smiles. “I saw it.”

She offers him a hand, her grip much more strong and sturdy than his. A line of calluses runs along her upper palm, the same line she swears Finn will earn.

Finn dusts himself off, frowning. “I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel anything.”

Now Rey frowns. “But you’ve felt it before. Something must be clouding your thoughts.”

He shrugs. “Can’t think of what it would be. Regular general stuff, I guess.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

They’re shaded by the branches of a supposed force tree. Poe, as well as his father and all the other inhabitants of Yavin IV had insisted it to be true. To Finn, it looks like any other tree. Maybe older, with roots big enough and wide enough to function as seating. He could sit there for hours, spilling his guts to Rey. What keeps him up at night, what keeps him going. If only those two didn’t seem one in the same.

“No,” he lies. “I should get back to generaling.”

Rey smirks. “Generaling.”

Her smile is so infectious. It breaks through the bedrock of Finn’s bad mood. He finds himself laughing. “Yeah. What else should I call it?”

“Leading. Governing. Ordering-”

“Well, you should be jedi-ing!”

He can pretend here, in this moment, that they’re both fine. That the darkness in Rey’s eyes has faded and his chest isn’t so compressed. He doesn’t remember the last time he was able to breathe, or the last time Rey smiled so wide.

It seems they were happier during the war sometimes. When they still had everyone. When they still had themselves.

“Guess you should get back to it then,” Rey finally says. “Tell Poe I want a turn in his X-Wing later.”

Finn turns to leave, managing one more laugh. “You have the _ Falcon _ all to yourself and you want his X-Wing?”

“Not all to myself! Chewie uses it sometimes.”

“Not as often as you.”

Rey says nothing to that. “Whenever you want to talk, I’m here.”

They both want to run. To fly away from all they fought so hard for. How sad are they for wanting to throw away all they earned through blood and sacrifice?

Finn doesn’t answer that question. He simply nods, and takes the long walk back to the newly-established Republic base.

\-----

There comes a moment, once the fighting has ceased, the bodies have been counted, and the fires have been put out, that the universe begs Finn to close his eyes.

He’s standing in a medical room, granted temporary sanctuary by sterile white walls and glistening tile. His company consists of an unconscious general, a war hero to some and a mother to the one who put her here (or at least Finn suspects). His other company consists of a freshly-washed pilot, who missed a spot of soot behind his right ear.

And for this moment, Finn is safe. Or as safe as he can be, being hunted by the First Order. And the universe keeps begging and  _ begging _ for him to obey its one, simple command.

But Finn doesn’t take orders from just anyone anymore. He picks his allies and his fights based on his own gut. And his gut is telling him,  _ not yet _ .

Instead, he focuses on all the little details that’ll keep his head clear. The stale taste of the air flowing between his teeth. The dull pressure of the stitches alone his jacket digging into his spine. The even duller ache his spine already has.

He’s tired, and Finn hadn’t really realized it until now but the  _ resistance _ is tired. Jumping from one war to another, trading a sith lord for his grandson. Finn remembers the history lessons he was force-fed as a cadet about the rebellion’s greatest heroes, and he just watched Admiral Ackbar get blasted into space like he was cannon fodder.

In Poe’s rush to Leia’s bedside, he had forgotten to tuck the chain Finn normally sees under his collar beneath his shirt. There’s a ring danging at the end, in desperate need of a polishing. It’s worn like the bolts on too-old cruisers, chipped and speckled with a finish that is barely clinging onto the silver.

Finn wonders who he’s lost. What everyone has lost. And they’ve all lost so much, right when Finn finally found his everything. Now he’s at risk of his world being ripped away from him along with that little everyone has left to cling to of their own.

“We’re not gonna last much longer like this,” Poe pipes up, voice stiff. The fighting is done but the cannon fire at their rear can still be heard. Despite being nearly blown up earlier, there’s a fury in Poe’s eyes. An intense desire to move his ass instead of sitting still.

Finn rubs his thumb over the tiny, teal beacon in his hands, just as antsy. “Surely Holdo has something planned.”

Poe puts an angry hand on his hip. “Yeah, well, she did not care to share that information with me.”

Says the demoted captain, but Finn knows better than to stir up needless conflict. “How much longer do we have?”

On a nearby counter lays an idle datapad, and it takes Poe no longer than two seconds to pull up the ship’s schematics. “An hour less than the last time I checked. That’s when our fuel runs out and they turn us into a fireball.”

The urgency returns, the unknown desire that Finn never remembers wanting. It’s an itch he can’t scratch, a tingle running down his scarred back. Still, he refuses to listen.

Finn clutches the beacon tightly, its edges cutting into his palm. “What can we do?”

Poe catches his gaze and devours Finn’s eagerness. “Whatever they’re tracking us with is gotta be on Snoke’s Destroyer. So we’ll blow it up.”

“Don’t have the fire power.”

Poe nods. “Don’t have the fire power...So we sneak on board. Bust the tracker from the inside.”

Finn shakes his head. “Don’t know how. It’ll be protected by an encrypted firewall of some sort.”

“But you can turn those off. Right?”

Finn winces. “Right.  _ But _ ...I actually worked sanitation. Which isn't going to help us much.”

If Poe’s jaw sank any lower, it would hit the floor. “You were a  _ janitor? _ ”

“ _ Well- _ ”

“You were a janitor and you  _ lied about it? _ To the  _ general? _ ”

“I just wanted to save Rey!” Finn confesses. “I-I wasn’t thinking about the resistance or even really how we were gonna destroy the base. But we still found a way. And I know-I know it was risky. Incredibly. And so many people could’ve died but-”

But Poe isn’t reacting the way Finn thought he would. He’s smiling. No, more than that. He’s... _ laughing _ . Laughing at Finn, which, while a bit offensive, is much better than being reprimanded for such selfish actions.

“Wow, that was  _ ballsy! _ ” Poe grins.  _ Wide _ . He’s proud. Probably too proud. “No wonder you’ve got such a reputation already.”

Finn smiles nervously. “I think that’s because I was a stormtrooper.”

Poe sobers. “Hey. You’re one of us now. Doesn’t matter who you were. Who’d you here talking bad about you?”

“No one!” Finn swears. “Though I could hardly blame them.”

Poe glares, but his anger is really directed elsewhere. “Well, you’re wrong, and we’re gonna need to find a way to disable their security systems. Think I could brush up with a quick data lesson?”

“Probably not. We’ll need...someone more qualified than us. And capable.”

Poe glares at him again. “We got this buddy. Me, you…” And his eyes sparkle. “We’re gonna save the resistance.”

Something different calls out to Finn. A fluttering in his chest that he dares not push down. Not when Poe is looking upon him as if he were the stars in the sky. “And somebody else.”

“And somebody else! But who?”

  
  


\-----

Poe is waiting for him in the conference hall, datapad in hand. “How’d training go?”

Finn just rolls his eyes.

“That bad?”

“No,” Finn sighs, taking the pad from him. He absently scans over the docket for the day. Conference with Coruscant. Conference with Naboo. Systems check. Conference with Mon Calamari. He groans.

Poe claps him on the shoulder. “Cheer up, general. Or do you prefer I call you a jedi master from now on?”

“I’m barely a jedi. I can’t even lift a single rock.”

“Rey told me you did the other day?” Poe takes the datapad away from him, relieving Finn momentarily of their duties. But a general of a brand-new Republic is hardly ever off-duty.

“It’s just a  _ rock _ , though. I...I felt  _ more _ before. Before Exogol and...Crait.”

Before the fighting just suddenly ended, and they were thrown into a life that traded violence for diplomacy. It’s as if they were tossed right out of a boiling pot of water and into an ice bath.

“It’s probably gonna take some time,” Poe reminds him. “I know you can do more, but you don’t need to stress yourself out about it.”

Wonderful advice coming from a general Finn knows gets less than four hours of sleep a night. “What would I even do with it…?” he asks to no one in particular. Maybe himself. Finn isn’t sure about anything anymore. Not really.

Except for the look Poe is giving him. That classic, warm glint that catches his eye and makes Finn believe, not for long but long enough, that he’s alright. “I’ll do all the talking for the city folk if you got the gungans?”

Finn gives a half-smile. “Deal. Oh, Rey wants to take your X-Wing for a spin later.”

Poe starts dramatically. “She’s got the  _ Falcon! _ ”

“Yeah, but she wants your X-Wing.”

“Well, she can’t have it!” he huffs, as he always does. He’ll make sure to check its diagnostics before he lets Rey take off.

\-----

“Could I do it? Of course I could do it! But I’m a little tied up at the moment.”

A blaster shot just barely misses Maz’ head, causing Finn to jump. He grits his teeth, grimacing as they watch the surprisingly-agile humanoid dodges the firefight around her. An explosion goes off in the background, the hologram’s filter making it look nothing more than a patch of static. She’s a dancer on a crumbling stage, but her gracefulness seems to be keeping her alive.

Or maybe this isn’t her first “union dispute.”

“Ms Kanata, we don’t have any other allies we can call on,” Poe informs her, hands back on his hips. “Takodana isn’t far off from our current course and we can’t afford any trips much further.”

A deep rumble cuts off the audio on Maz’ end as she reloads her blaster. “-f can offer me a ride off this planet, I’ll be glad to help. But one of your flimsy escape pods isn’t going to get the job done! Since I’m guessing this operation isn’t exactly on your general’s agenda.”

Finn notices the quick glance Poe spares for Leia. “It’s not. Where do you suggest we head?”

“You’ll need an Imperial ship!” Maz runs for cover from another patch of static. Finn won’t be able to watch much more of her feed if she’s not more careful. “Go to Canto Bight! You’ll find a ship very easily there.”

Poe leans forward. “Has it been taken over by the First Order?”

“Not quite.” Suddenly, Maz has a jetpack slung over her back. Finn knows better than to question when and where she got it. “Find a decent ship. And make sure to park in the cheap seats from my palace!”

Her nimble fingers type something quickly onto her wrist console, and soon Maz is nothing more than a speck in her hologram.

Poe cuts off the feed. Even his tiniest actions are fueled by a dangerous excitement. “Alright. Steal a ship. Liberate a planet at the same time. Sounds like a good time to me.”

“You are way too happy about all this,” Finn remarks.

Poe just keeps smiling. “About finally having some hope? Never.”

The beacon weighs heavily in Finn’s palm. He stares at it for a moment, the universe  _ once again _ calling his name.

It pains him to part ways with it, but he slides it back on Leia’s wrist, where it really belongs. “Come back to us, Rey,” he whispers. “Come back to me.”

\-----

“What are you doing back here?”

Finn jumps, and immediately bonks his head against the panel of the  _ Falcon’s _ flooring he recently moved. You would think he could’ve moved it somewhere farther, where perhaps he wouldn’t injure himself. Wincing, he crawls out of the  _ Falcon’s _ engine compartment. “Just, uh, fixin’ something.”

Rose has her hands on her hips, unconvinced. “Uh huh. Fixing the hyperdrive I just tuned yesterday? I  _ told _ you, we’re fine for take-off tomorrow.”

“Sorry, I know,” Finn smiles sheepishly. He crawls out of his hiding spot, rubbing his forehead. “I just...wanted to double-check something.”

“Are you doubting the skills of a master mechanic?” she grins.

“Never. No. Absolutely not.”

Rose glances at the panel he’s left out of place. “Can you force that back into place?”

“Can I?” Finn asks, mostly himself. “Uh, y-yeah. Let’s uh…”

He holds out his hand. closing his eyes. Find his center. Trace back his roots.

The light. Rose. A properly-tuned hyperdrive. Coruscant's president being reasonable for once.

The dark. The knot on his head. The breath he still can’t catch. The moment of solitude he still needs. The endless ‘what if?’ scenarios his brain is currently running.

He opens one eye cautiously. The panel hasn’t moved an inch. He sighs, letting his arm fall back to his side.

Rose shifts awkwardly. “Hey, it’s okay. Can you give me a hand putting it back at least?”

The humiliation lingers with Finn for the rest of his day. He tries to engage in small talk with Rose, knowing she only wants to reassure him. Let him know Jannah and her will be safe on their trip tomorrow. That they’ll make sure to bring back as many ex-troopers as they can. They’ve been at it for so long now, trying to save all those stolen children still caught in the crossfire even after the war. The galaxy has not been kind of them, and despite what they fought for they deserve a chance to reform.

“I should go with you. At least on one of these missions,” Finn decides.

“When you can,” Rose smiles. “I don’t even wanna know how full your plate is right now. But it would help, I think.”

“Good. That’s...I’ll see when I can make it.”

“Jannah found records.”

Finn stills, the news hitting him as suddenly as it was given. “What...what kind of records?”

He knows what kind, but he still asks anyway.

“Um, family records. F-For the troops.” Rose brushes a piece of hair out of her face. “We’ve already been able to locate a dozen or so, and we’re gonna return those who want to go back to their home planets safely. On this trip. I was supposed to tell you...general.”

Finn nods, throat burning. “That’s good. That’s really…I’m glad.”

“I can look for yours. Only if you want me to.”

There’s a pit Finn can’t dare peer down into. He’s silent, unable to look into Rose’s eyes as she awaits his answer.

He knows who he is. Finn. General of the newborn Republic. A failing Jedi in training. First Order Deserter. Resistance Hero.

Whoever FN-2185 was before his number doesn’t matter. Hasn’t mattered...until now.

“N-No,” he finally stammers. “I don’t…”

His knees are wobbling. Rose takes his hand, gently leading him down to the floor. Finn sits down heavily, his body weighing a thousand pounds. She sits across from him, still holding his hand.

“I don’t think I can bear that,” he whispers. He wills the tears rising to his eyes to back down. They don’t listen.

Rose runs a thumb along his knuckles. “Okay. It’s okay. Hey now.”

Finn rubs harshly at his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be! Finn, really. I’m sorry for upsetting you-”

“No, I’m glad you told me.” He uncovers his face, hoping his pitiful smile masks the redness of his eyes. “I’m glad you two are reconnecting families...Has Jannah…?”

Rose nods. “Her number was the first one she looked for.”

“And is she...going back?”

“I’m dropping her off, actually, after this mission…” Rose hesitates, pressing her lips firmly together. “And I’m...staying with her.”

Finn blinks. “You...you are?”

“Yeah. We’ve, uh, gotten closer...during all this.”

She’s blushing, her cheeks redder than the hue of the evening sun. Finn feels...something, from her reaction. His heart clenches, his insides twisting, and all the while he is relieved. It’s the strangest thing, and he can’t put a name to it.

He manages a genuine smile for her this time. “I’m really happy for you two.”

Rose beams. “Thank you. W-We’re not leaving the resistance! Or, the Republic. I mean the Republic-”

“Take your time,” He assures her. “You’ve both earned it.”

She squeezes his hand. “You have, too. Time off. You look tired, Finn...You’ve always looked tired to me.”

And he’s always felt so. Nothing has changed since Crait. Since Jakku. Since before everything.

“I’m alright.” He stands, lifting her up with him. “I should get back.”

“What were you really doing in here anyway?” Rose asks, not letting him go.

Finn shakes his head. “Nothing. I’ll catch you before tomorrow.”

Still, Rose holds on. “Look.”

“At what?”

“The panel.”

Finn looks. It’s been shifted, just ever so slightly, out of place again.

“I didn’t…”

“I think you did.”

Rose says it like it’s an accomplishment. Finn does not agree. He pulls away, stepping out of the room before she can reach for him again.

“I gotta go.”

\-----

“You two are just trying to run away!”

Finn is holding his hands up, even though it won’t do anything against Rose’s taser. At the very least, he doesn’t want to end up like a crumpled heap like Poe. “We’re not trying to run away! I swear!”

“My sister just _ died _ protecting the fleet. And you were  _ running away _ .”

“That’s not what we're down here for. The First Order is tracking us through lightspeed.”

Rose, distraught, broken, confused, and startled, lowers his taser. “They can...track us through lightspeed?”

Poe flops himself onto a better side than his back. “We’ve only got enough fuel left for one more jump through hyperspace. If we don’t turn off whatever they’re using-”

“Then the resistance is done for.” She lowers her taser, but doesn’t clip it back onto her belt. “How do I know you’re not lying to me?”

“My name is Command- _ Captain _ Poe Dameron,” Poe speaks up. “I was on deck when General Organa was hospitalized. This was her last order to me.”

He’s a way better liar than Finn could ever hope to be, but it’s still a big lie to pull off. Rose’s eyes well up again.

“You...you flew with Paige.”

Poe’s face drains. “I did. She was...excellent.”

And she never met him, or at least Poe doesn’t remember meeting her.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Slowly, Rose puts away her taser. “Where are you two heading?”

“Canto Bight,” Finn cuts in before Poe can dig himself a deeper grave. “Have you heard of it?”

Rose scoffs, brushing away a rogue tear. “Yeah, I’ve heard of it. I’ve been once.”

Finn glances as Poe. Poe glances at Finn. They reach a silent verdict.

“We don’t have much time. Do you still know your way around?”

“I doubt much as changed,” she mumbles quietly, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Will you join us?” Poe asks. “The fate of the resistance is in our hands.”

That changes something in Rose. Her eyes, once dark and glassy, are now shining. She takes a few quick breaths, and after a moment nods repeatedly.

“Yes. Yes, of course. I’ll help you.”

\-----

He stomps up to the tree. The dumb, stupid tree everyone gives such a hoot about. The tree that looks just like any other tree and stands before it.

His stomach burns, acid rising to his esophagus. This sickness isn’t one he can shake. It’s something he’s been carrying for years now, or, one could argue, since he was taken. Finn has to grit his teeth to keep himself from losing his lunch.

_ Deep breaths _ , Rey would say.  _ Center yourself. Calm what’s troubling you. _

If only it were that easy. Finn tries so hard to breathe. He’s been trying, but the sounds coming out of him are wheezy, cracked, fragile. Closing his eyes only takes the world away for a moment, and then reality hits back with full force when he opens them.

“A beauty, isn’t she?”

Finn jerks around, and to his shame shields himself. There hasn’t been any danger on this planet for decades, and Poe certainly isn’t going to bring any himself.

Poe takes quick notice of Finn’s frazzled composure. The warm smile on his face fades. “Buddy? Hey now. It’s just me.”

Finn lowers his arms, shaking. “Poe.”

“Yeah, Finn. It’s me. Just me.” Cautiously, Poe steps towards him. “You’re safe. You’re alright.”

“I know,” Finn croaks. He nearly chokes on his own tongue.

Poe is close enough now to touch him, but he leaves Finn’s personal space to himself. “Talk to me, pal. What do you need?”

And then the air vanishes. Finn is choking. Finn can’t  _ breathe _ . He grasps at his shirt collar, suffocating in the sudden heat crawling up his body.

“Poe-Help me- _ Please _ .”

Poe wastes no time. He takes Finn by the shoulders, backing him up to the tree. “Okay. Okay. I’m gonna sit you down now. Right here on this root. It’s just a little way beneath you.”

Finn sinks, and the pressure on his lungs becomes so much  _ worse _ . Black spots dance around in his vision. He holds onto Poe for dear life.

“Head between your knees. Deep breaths now. Count to three in, then three out. Low now. C’mon buddy.”

But Poe doesn’t understand. This isn’t his body betraying him. This is something else. Something he does not understand.

This is...is this the force?

The world fades into darkness, and from the darkness comes a voice.

_ Who are you? _

Finn takes his first gulp of air in years, then promptly passes out.


	2. Heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn eavesdrops. Rey does her force thing. Poe rushes in.

It’s been an eventful day.

Being shot at by the First Order. Crashing an escape pod. Catching Poe steal an Imperial Canto Bight ship  _ too _ easily. Finn is half-convinced all of this is a dream. Well, maybe seventy-five percent of it.

And now they’re on their way to Takadona, on a flight that’s forcing them to take their time. It’s a ways away, and the three of them have no choice but to slow down themselves.

It’s during this time that Rose gets to grieve.

She hands her life story to Finn with delicate hands, weaving a story of a poor mining family forced to obey the First Order’s commands. She doesn’t flinch as she speaks of the horrors they endured, or the death of her parents at too young of an age.

Where she starts to unravel is when the resistance first plays a role in her life. The only reason she had known of Canto Bight was because Paige and her where shipped off there as child labor, and the only reason they got out was because a few resistance fighters were kind enough to help them.

“We owed our lives to the resistance,” she explains, running her fingers over her necklace. “And we couldn’t go back home. It wasn’t home anymore to begin with...so we stayed. And fought...Paige always said she wanted to save the kids who may not be as lucky as us.”

Finn listens intently, letting her say what she needs to without interruption. There’s not much left of the story to tell, given its abrupt end.

“The last thing I said to her was to be careful,” Rose whispers thickly. And then she does not speak again.

Finn leans over from his seat and puts a hand on her knee. “She was a hero, taking down a ship like that all by herself.”

Rose shakes her head spitefully. “She was always a hero. She didn’t need to die to prove that.”

Poe, who to this point has had his back turned flying the ship, looks at her stunned. “Her sacrificed saved hundreds of lives. Not to mention all the lives that will be saved with that dreadnought gone.”

But Rose is unconvinced. “How many more heroes are we willing to lose until there’s no one left? Huh?” She looks him dead in the eye. “If we keep taking on fights we’re not ready for, this resistance is doomed to fail.”

“Don’t say that,” Poe assures her, but it comes off far too harsh.

“I don’t want anyone else’s sister to die-anyone else’s world to  _ crumble _ just because we want to take out as many of the First Order’s forces as we can. We’re small, we’re weak. We can’t win this war if we’re always rushing in!”

“They had their orders to protect the fleet!”

“Whose orders were it to attack the opposing fleet head on?!”

“ _ Enough! _ ” Finn breaks in. “Enough. This resistance doesn’t need infighting either.” He shoots Rose a sympathetic look, then shoots Poe a far harsher one. “We’re almost to Maz’. We should think about our plan is gonna be once we hit the ground.”

“Get her and get out,” Poe states matter-of-factly.

“It’s going to take more than just rushing in,” Rose mutters.

Again, Finn has to shoot Poe a look before the pilot can reopen his mouth. “The galaxy is counting on us. Please. We have to keep a level head for just a bit longer.”

Rose glares at Finn, a new target for her anger. “You ever lost anyone Finn? Ever had someone you care about just...taken away?”

Finn’s chest aches, but he keeps his cool. “I never had anyone to lose. Not before this. I never knew my parents. I never knew what freedom was...not until I met him.”

Poe isn’t looking at him, but Finn can feel the tension surrounding him lessen.

He looks back to Rose. “I don’t know how you feel. I’m sorry. I’m sure that feeling...it must hurt like no other. But Paige was right. We need to help those who aren’t as lucky as us. And right now that’s the resistance.”

The crease between Rose’s eyebrows softens. She looks at him, regretful. “I’m-”

“It’s okay.” He smiles, standing up. “Your grief is yours. Own it.”

Rose gives a small smile as he leaves the room. There’s a fair amount of weapons stashed on the ship, and they’re about to be used a fair amount. Finn’s at least got the experience to know which ones are best for heavy use.

Right as he enters the artillery room, silence falls. Not the kind of silence where no one is talking. This is the kind of silence where the ringing in your ear quiets. Pure, absolute silence.

_ I’d rather not do this right now. _

Finn’s heart stops

_ Yeah. Me neither. _

He waits, unwilling to breathe incase the voices are scared off. But they do not return either way.

And he swears on his life, and the life of everyone that he cares about, it sounded just like Rey. And it sounded just like Ren.

\-----

When Finn comes to, his throat is on fire.

He can breathe at least. Not as easily as he would like, but he can breathe. The stiffness to his jaw and the area beneath it suggests whatever just happened to him messed him up a little bit. 

And whatever-or dare he say  _ whomever  _ did this, terrifies him.

“Finn?”

“Is he awake?”

“Finn, buddy. Come back to us.”

Finn snaps his eyes open, face-to-face with more people that his brain is ready to process. “Wot’r-”

He winces. His voice is strangled (no pun intended) and hurts way too much to use.

“We need some water over here!” Poe yells to someone, or quite possibly anyone. He sounds frantic, more so than Finn thinks is warranted. Then again, he did just almost get forced choked to death.

Out of the many ways Finn has almost died, it just about ties with taking a lightsaber to the fucking back.

A glorious cup of water is lifted to his lips by someone, and Finn drinks down greedily. He downs it in record time, the pain in his esophagus easing just enough for him to dare speaking again. “Thank you.”

Someone puts a hand on his shoulder. That’s been happening a lot recently. This time, it’s Rey’s doing. Finn hasn’t seen her this worried since-

Well, the war.

“How are you feeling?”

Finn nods, but it takes too much effort. He’s a one-nod guy today. Maybe for a while now.

“Can you see us alright? What all hurts? What’s not working?” Poe rushes out.

“Throat hurts,” he groans. “Everythin’ else...fine. Well...you all’re a bit blurry.”

He spies Rose and Jannah standing worriedly at his feet, with Chewie right behind him. The amount of attention is warranted, but to see everyone so solemn and long-faced urks at him. It’s been too long, and not long enough, since they all hit such a low point together.

“Does it hurt to speak?” Poe asks.

“Hmhmm.”

“I felt something,” Rey confesses. “There was a disturbance. Something sinister...and confused. I don’t know what it was, or why it...why it went after you.”

_ When it should’ve been her _ , she doesn’t say. And it makes sense. Rey, who destroyed a sith lord and his influence. Rey, who somehow, despite all odds, managed to turn Kylo Ren to the light before he died. If anyone should have a vengeance put on them, especially from the force, it shouldn’t be can-barely-lift-a-pebble Finn.

“I’m so sorry this happened,” she whispers.

Okay. Finn is a one-nod and a one-head shake man today. “Not y’ur fault.”

Rey smiles sadly. She puts a hand to his neck, her fingers cold and trembling

An instant warmth and ease flows through Finn. His shoulders loosen, the bruised muscles in his neck turning to liquid. A smooth, rejuvenating energy travels through his veins.

But then it fades, and a dull ache replaces the temporary comfort. It’s an improvement, but not a complete fix.

Rey pulls away, frowning. “It’s not working.”

“Can you try again?” Rose asks.

“I’ve tried three times now,” she confesses. “Finn…”

“Something’s wrong with me,” he finishes.

Rey takes his hand. “I’ll figure out what it is. I promise. If it’s the force...I can fix it.”

There’s a feeling. It may be the force, and Finn prays that it’s not. Not now, anyway. But whatever it is, it knows Rey is wrong. This isn’t for her to fix, but Finn wants her to, because he has no idea what to do.

“Thank you Rey.” He finds Rose, and gives her a smile. “I get what you mean now by me looking tired.”

She laughs, and not-so-discreetly takes Jannah’s hand. “We’ll let you rest, and come see you if you’re not on your feet by the time we leave.”

Chewie roars something encouraging and follows them out. Rey watches them leave, knowing she should do the same.

“Can I take a raincheck on training?” he asks.

Rey smiles despite herself. “You do not get out of this bed until you are feeling one-hundred percent yourself.”

She leans down and presses a kiss to his forehead. Finn closes his eyes, and by the time he opens them she’s off to do more jedi-ing.

There’s just Poe now, with deep, thoughtful lines drawn along his face. If he frowned any harder, Finn fears it would be permanently stuck to his face.

And for some reason, with just Poe around, Finn is able to drop the bravery act.

“I thought I was going to die.”

Poe nods heavily. “For a minute there, I thought you did. You weren’t moving, Finn. I checked for a pulse, and there wasn’t...”

Finn lifts out his hand, and Poe takes it eagerly.

“I think you saved my life. Being there.”

“Guess we got lucky.”

_ We _ . Yeah, we. That sounds right. Finn doesn’t know why. Maybe just the sound of it, or what ‘we’ implies.

He hasn’t allowed himself to drift into ‘we’ territory. During the war, the prospect of romance seemed inappropriate with so many people counting on them. After the war, it seems just as much so given his responsibility to build the Republic back up from scratch.

Finn can’t deny he’s always felt something around Poe. He feels a lot of somethings, but this something isn’t the force, or how he feels for any of his other friends. Even Rey.

He’s so unsure about everything right now. His position, his origin, his connection to the force. But Poe isn’t one of those things. No, in fact Poe may be the only thing he is certain about.

So certain, that Finn finds himself with a confession on his tongue.

“Leave the rest of today’s agenda to me,” Poe beats him to it. “If I see you out of this bed at any point, I’m ordering you a guard detail.”

Finn takes a beat. “I’ll just overrule your decision.”

Poe chuckles. “I guess you could, you smart bastard.”

He lets go of Finn’s hand, and the disappointment Finn feels is immeasurable. The little ounce of comfort he had is slipping away. But the galaxy doesn’t take a break from its troubles just because he has to.

“Get some rest, buddy.”

Poe slips away, and Finn sinks into a dreadful sleep.

\-----

“She’s dead.”

How could Maz not be? Takodana is hell incarnate, with every ounce of the planet either on fire or horribly mangled beyond repair. The impressive structures that once stood here are nothing put blood-speckled rubble. The wildlife, once green and luscious, was withered to ash and soot. Even the water has turned foul, its shores littered with bodies and abandoned weapons.

“She’s gotta be dead,” Poe says again.

“What do we do?” Rose asks. “She was...this can’t be where it ends.”

Finn scans what's left of him to see along the horizon. There is only smoke and the heavy ambiance of death. In the scramble for order, the safe haven has become uninhabitable.

And yet…

“She’s alive.”

Poe exhales sharply. “Buddy, nothing could survive here.”

“I know she’s alive!” Finn looks to him. “I...I can’t explain it. But I just know-”

A shot rings out, and a chorus of firepower immediately follows. The air is electrified with plasma bolts, and the three of them somehow manage to duck for cover unscathed.

Poe cocks his blaster. “Well, guess I was wrong!  _ Someone’s _ still alive!”

“They’ll take the ship!” Rose yells.

“Or shoot it down!” Poe adds. “We gotta take ‘em out!”

“I don’t think we can!” Finn points out, but Poe has already started returning fire. Off in the distance, a few burly figures of indeterminate species are cloaked in residual gunsmoke. With the sky turned crimson, it’s a scene straight out of a nightmare.

“Cover me!” Poe yells.

He’s already taken off running before Finn can register what he’s doing. Dodging the fire, Poe nabs a few more yards of territory before ducking behind a fallen column. A nightmare creature falls as a result of his improved line of sight.

Finn readies himself to follow, but he’s pulled back by his collar.

“You won’t make it!” Rose screams. “I don’t even know how he did!”

A bolt whizzes right over her head, singing her hair. Finn ducks back down, patting out her sparks.

“He’s crazy!”

“I know!” Finn shoots off another round before looking back at Poe. The pilot is bracing himself, daring to close the distance between him and death further.

“Oh my god,” Rose breathes. “He’s gonna do it.”

A sickly terror overtakes Finn. The kind of terror you hope never to feel again once it first strikes you. He’s only ever felt it one other time, when he had held Rey in his arms on Starkiller Base. Only this time it’s so much worse.

Against all logic, he jumps to his feet and starts  _ running _ . Right into the line of sight, he collides with Poe just as he takes off-

And he takes the hit meant for his friend.


	3. Both Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn changes his wardrobe. Poe serves a gourmet meal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the description plus the chapter title makes this sound wayyyy dirtier than it actually is
> 
> Just a general warning in this chapter for unhealhty eating/sleeping habits. Our characters aren't taking the best care of themselves rn but it'll get better don't worry

A day of fitful rest passes, and Finn decides any further days spent in a hospital bed aren’t going to do him any well.

He checks himself out of the medical ward, freshens up, and returns to his duties as if it were any other day. The only significant change he’s made is to his appearance; he’s not one for turtlenecks, but he’d prefer to deter attention from the bruising around his neck.

The fact that there is bruising to begin with is too troubling to take to work with him. Best leave that bag at the door.

Despite getting himself ready before daybreak, Poe has beaten him to the conference room yet again. His co-general is switching between slides on a hologram protection, eyes squinted and dark.

“Hypocrite.”

Poe jumps at his voice. “What are you doing up?”

“I should ask you the same.” Finn takes a seat across from him at a table that could use a nice dusting. “You tell me to get some rest and you look like you haven’t caught any.”

Poe winces. “You sound like shit,” he admits, dodging Finn’s statement. “Are you feeling any better?”

Finn shrugs. “Neck’s stiff. Appetite’s gone. Otherwise, ‘m fine.”

Poe hums lowly. “Let’s get some food in you.”

“But I’m not-”

Poe is already standing. “Just a bite. C’mon, get up.”

Finn stands, but argues further, “It can wait. I need to catch up-”

“ _ That _ can wait,” Poe corrects him. “I can’t have my general passing out on me again.”

\-----

The ground is surprisingly softer than Finn would expect. Given all the wreckage that’s been scattered about, his luck dictates he land on a rusty nail or sharp piece of rubble.

However, he’s been granted a loose patch of dirt to slam his head against. There’s an awful twinge traveling up his shoulder, and a horrendous burning smell clogging his nostrils, but otherwise Finn feels fine.

“What the hell were you thinking?!”

Finn gives Poe a dazed look. “What were  _ you _ thinking?”

Poe shakes his head, tearing off his jacket. “You’re hurt.”

“Really?”

“You’re going into shock.”

“Nah, I don’t think so.”

Poe wraps Finn up snugly with his jacket. A lightning bolt of pain passing through Finn’s chest before subsiding. “Why did you do that?”

“You were gonna get yourself killed.”

“Better me than you!”

“Why?”

Damn it Finn! I had ‘em! There was-”

The ground trembling with an explosion like no other. Poe ducks overtop of Finn, specks of debris spewing out into the sky. As the planet stills, the firing ceases and all is calm.

Then a gun is cocked. “Show yourselves!”

Finn jerks. “I told you. That’s her.”

Poe raises a brow, then connects the dots. He stands quickly, his hands in the air. “We’re with the resistance! All of us!”

A beat passes, and then Maz laughs.

“It took you all long enough! Now hurry! If you thought that was a welcome party, you haven’t been in the neighborhood long enough.”

\-----

Finn forces another cracker into his mouth, not looking forward to swallowing it. With a deep breath, his worn muscles send it down into the depths of his stomach.

“Is that enough for you?”

Poe considers, then nods reluctantly. “It’s a start.”

“So. General.”

“General?”

“What’s on our plates today? Besides crackers.”

Poe smirks. He pulls out the projector he had pocketed earlier and sets it on the table. A familiar planet shimmers into existence, tealer than normal. “Further negotiations with our favorite government.”

Finn groans. “Coruscant. Really?”

“They’re being difficult, I know,” Poe acknowledges. “But a deal is in sight. They’ve requested another conference. Face-to-face this time.”

“Why?”

“Appearances. They want us to tour the old Jedi Temple before they go joining another Republic.”

Finn sighs, finally seeing through the lines. “They want Rey with us, don’t they?”

“More than that, I’m afraid. I spoke with one of the president’s representatives while you were, uh, resting. They’re willing to join us...depending on if Rey plans on forming another Jedi order.”

If there’s one thing Finn has learned as a general, it’s that people often want what you least expect. But what they expect tends to be fairly obvious in retrospect. “So, wait. Do they want her to form a new order or not?”

“That I couldn’t get a good read on,” Poe admits. “Hopefully our natural charisma will convince them her intentions don’t matter.”

Poe’s natural charisma, maybe. Finn isn’t exactly in the right headspace to be flashing any fake smiles around. “When do we leave?”

“In a week. They wanted us there by tomorrow, but they extended their invitation when I told them you were ill.”

“Should I come up with a real diagnosis to discuss with them instead of just force-choking?”

The joke doesn’t earn him the laugh he hoped it would. Instead, Poe turns off the hologram and sets his hands on the table. “Are you feeling up to this?”

“Of course,” Finn lies. “I’m a general. I have to be.”

“You’re allowed a break, you know. That’s why there’s two of us. I mean, if I’d just been through what you went through yesterday-”

“I’m  _ fine _ , Poe.”

Poe shakes his head. “No, you’re not.”

A sudden burst of anger overtakes Finn. “You don’t know how I am,” he says defensively. “You don’t know a thing about this. What it’s like.”

Poe locks his jaw. “The force? Yeah. I don’t. But I know you. I’m around you all day. I can tell which nights you don’t sleep. I notice when you skip meals. I know you run off sometimes and hide in the  _ Falcon’s _ engine department-”

“How do you-?”

“Oh, Rose told me. You think I’m the only one who’s worried about you? Rey was in  _ tears _ yesterday when you passed out. She cares so damn much about you, Finn. We all do. I...Look, we need you. All of us.”

A vein pops out on Finn’s forehead. “Who said I was going anywhere?”

Poe pulls his hands away, exasperated. “You know what I mean! We want you to be okay! Let us help you! Take a break after you have a near-death experience! Talk about what’s keeping you up at night!”

“ _ It’s not that easy! _ ” Finn snaps. “It’s not...so don’t sit here and tell me that it is! I’m  _ trying _ , okay?”

Poe’s face softens. “I didn’t say you weren’t…”

Finn knows he didn’t, but if he stays here any longer he’s going to blow. He stands, letting his chair screech loudly across the floor. “If that’s all we have to discuss, then will you please excuse me general?”

“Finn-”

But Finn doesn’t let him finish. He’s out of the room in less than a few strides.


	4. Titles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe prepares. Rose exits. Finn comes to his senses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Implied suicidal intentions are briefly mentioned, but nothing happens. Still, stay safe buds

“Chancellor Nallara- _President_ Nallara. President, President, President Nallara, it’s an honor. Bullshit, bullshit bullshit…”

It’s really hard to be mad at Poe.

For one thing, it’s impossible for co-generals not to communicate with each other at least once a day. Finn has exchanged words with him, mostly out of formality, but even his most backhanded comments fall flat to his own ears. Time heals all wounds, especially ones that aren’t that deep.

And in retrospect, Finn is to blame for their conversation going sideways. He knows this. He knows he let his fatigue and his anxieties get the better of him. He knows Poe was just an easy target to take his frustrations out on. But Finn is also a stubborn son of a sarlacc, and he can’t bring himself to apologize just yet.

However, his conscience is having a field day with him as he watches Poe fumble with his introduction for _President_ Nallara. They’ve only ever met with her various representatives, and all of them have pronounced her name _very_ differently. It makes Finn wonder as to the reason why.

Coruscant has since done away with the title of chancellor given its history with the word. The Galactic Empire had not been kind to the planet after Order 66, nor was reconstruction easy once the First Order rose to power. The people want to distance themselves as far away from the past conflicts as possible, and if a title change is how they want to do it then it’s best if Poe and Finn treat the decision with respect.

After all, despite Coruscant’s setbacks in the last half century, it’s still a major leader in trade throughout the galaxy. Not to mention how much influence they have in this crazy, messed-up world of space politics.

Their first impression needs to be perfect, and Poe has been at his courtesy speech for nearly an hour. He’s fiddling with the _Falcon’s_ controls as he mumbles to himself, running his hands through his hair and tapping his foot against the steel grated floor.

Rey smacks his hand away from a lever that looks big and important. “Poe, I’m gonna need you to get your hands off my console.”

Chewbacca growls from the seat behind her.

“ _Our_ console. You’ve been talking to yourself for a while now. I think you’ve got this.”

Poe crosses his arms, shaking his head. “Have I been pronouncing her name wrong? Nallara? Nayara? Nall-era? Chewie, do you speak Togruta?”

Chewie chirps lowly, then gives a shrug.

“Poe,” Rey says, “Take a walk around the ship. It’ll do you some good to get out of your own head.”

She’s talking to Poe, but looking at Finn. Finn sinks further into his cockpit chair, trying desperately to escape her gaze.

“Yeah, sure,” Poe sighs. He stands up and slumps off down the corridor. Finn doesn’t watch him leave, but he feels Poe’s eyes boring into him as he goes.

With Poe gone, Rey motions for Chewbacca to take the wheel. The wookie shuffles up to replace her, and Rey plops herself down right across from Finn. “This is getting ridiculous. No, this _is_ ridiculous. Go talk to him.”

Finn sinks even further. “He’s got enough to think about right now. I’m not going to complicate things.”

Rey glares at him. Hard. “Finn, you _are_ complicating things. Whatever you two fought about, you have to make up before we land. Or at least try to”

Finn looks away from her. He gnaws at the inside of his cheek until the soft skin is worn raw. Rey reaches over and puts a hand on his knee, stealing back his attention.

“I know you’re not feeling well, and I’m...I’m sorry I haven’t figured out what happened to you yet-”

“Don’t,” Finn stammers. “Please, don’t say that. It’s not your fault.”

There’s a whirlpool churning in his gut, and Finn is quickly getting washed away by its tide. He leans forward and rests his head in his hands, too heavy to allow his neck to carry its load.

“I’m being foolish...Why is it so hard just to tell him I’m sorry?”

Rey huffs out a laugh. “Trust me, if there’s anything I’ve learned these past few years, it’s that talking to people is never easy. But Poe isn’t going to turn you away.”

Finn lifts his head up just a little bit to look at her. Just a bit.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s been looking at you with these sad, beady eyes. He looks like Chewie’s porgs.”

Chewie gets a good chuckle out of that.

“He wouldn’t look at you like that if he were angry. I think Poe just wants to know if you two are okay.”

“We’re okay,” Finn assures her.

Rey leans in closer. “Then tell him.”

It’s easier said than done, but somehow Rey makes it seem as it really is just easy. Or maybe she’s using the force to manipulate him a bit. Either way, her words give Finn the boost of encouragement he needs to stand up and do what needs to be done.

Hopefully that confidence doesn’t go away before he finds Poe.

\-----

It’s an odd sort of temptation, wanting to touch your own melted flesh. Finn reaches his hand up to his shoulder, and it is immediately slapped away.

“Let the bacta do it’s work!” Maz childs him. “You’re lucky it was just a graze. And _you_ said he was going into shock.”

Poe switches their Imperial craft into autopilot, then swivels his pilot chair around with a huff. “It _looked_ bad at the time. Can you blame me for being concerned?”

“There wouldn’t be need for concern if you hadn’t rushed in like that,” Rose mutters from her seat. She doesn’t bother to look up at Poe as she snaps at him, instead eyeing her pendent as she traces its etchings with her finger.

There’s a certain bitterness that overtakes Rose, Finn has noticed, whenever she talks to Poe. A timid resentment, like a fire stuck on its wick. It wants to spread, but is unable to grow without something more to fuel it.

A tense silence settles between them. Maz places a large patch of gauze over Finn’s wound, patting it into place as he winces. “This isn’t a time for any of us to be heroes. Not yet.” She hops down from Finn’s chair rest, digging a hand into her pants pocket. “Once we near our destination, we’ll need this to get onboard.”

She whips out of her pocket a silver disk no longer than three centimeters in diameter.

Poe gapes. “That’s...an _Imperial medallion_. How’d you get that?”

Maz tucks the medallion away again. “A good question for another time.”

“You say that about a lot of things you don’t want to explain?” Finn asks.

She turns to him, clearly amused. “Perhaps...It hasn’t been much time since I last saw you, and you’re no longer the same man I met then.”

Finn gives a thin smile. “It’s been long enough, I guess. I got my ass handed to me pretty well by Kylo Ren.”

“I saw the scar,” Maz smirks back. “When I said you wanted to run, I didn’t mean you should pick _every_ fight.”

She looks to Rose then, a hand raising slowly to her goggles.

“I do not recall being told you were coming to my rescue, child.”

Rose’s eyes snap up to her gaze. “I didn’t know I would be coming either, ma’am.”

Maz just nods. Her fingers twirl around a small dial near her cranium. Suddenly, her pupils are blown out wider than the crater where her palace used to stand. “You’re hardly in the right mindset for this operation...You want to do something far worse than running.”

Rose stills. She hides her pendent in a tight fist.

“Child, the solace you seek is not from death.”

Rose nods, her eyes glossy. “You’re right.”

Then she stands, her fists shaking and eyes now ablaze.

“It was you. You gave the order.”

All heads turn to Poe as he is put onto this impromptu trial. He sits upright, face as stoic and sturdy as always.

“I never said I didn’t,” he responds calmly.

Pure, utter disgust flashes across Rose’s face. But in her horror hides a bittersweet relief. “You led your fleet to die.”

“My fleet took out a dreadnought-”

“You led Paige to her death!”

“That’s the life of a resistance fighter!” Poe snaps, no longer dousing her hysteria and instead fueling it. “If we want to win this war, we’re going to have to make sacrifices!”

“Paige wasn’t a _sacrifice!_ She was all I had! I have nothing left because of you!”

“You both joined the resistance. You chose to fight! _She_ chose to fight! Your sister was a hero-!”

Rose rushes up to Poe and slaps him.

The impact rings out throughout the ship, a _clap_ ringing in Finn’s ears. The red imprint of a hand is left on Poe’s cheek, and his eyebrows are stuck in a permanent arch.

Rose pulls back with tears streaming down her face.

“Don’t you _dare_ reduce her to that.”

An eternity passes. The hand mark fades, and Rose backs away further. She rubs at her eyes, desperately trying to hold back sobs.

Poe leans back into his chair, suddenly deflated.

“I can’t save everyone,” he confesses. “But I promise you, her sacrifice was not in vain. I wouldn’t have ordered her into battle if I didn’t think we would come out with a victory.”

Rose shakes her head, unable to look at him.

“I don't believe that. This whole mission, you’ve only proven to me how impulsive you are. There’s no reason for me to think you thought the operation through at all. You just wanted to make _yourself_ a hero, and you were willing to stain your hands to do so.”

She takes a shuddery breath and holds it in.

“We knew what we were getting into when we joined the fight...I knew Paige might die in the field. But we believed in the resistance. We believed the people we would be fighting with would be just and righteous...but now I know you’re all chasing after the same bloody glory the First Order is.”

Finn gasps as Rose effortlessly rips her resistance patch off of her shoulder. She flings it to the floor, watching it slide gracefully up to Poe’s feet.

“This isn’t a fight I’m willing to be apart of anymore.”

There’s one escape pod on the shuttle. It’s only big enough for two people at most. Finn knows that’s where Rose is heading once she leaves the room, and he races foolheartedly after her.

“Rose! Rose please, you can’t.”

Rose isn’t listening to him. She punches in a random set of coordinates into the console that will take her out of this war.

“You’re a good man Finn. You don’t have to dedicate yourself to...to _this_.”

She gestures to the imperial-smelted steel all around them, a pleading look on her eyes.

“Come with me. Be free. Truly free. Whatever you left the First Order for...I’m sure it wasn’t this.”

Finn notices her hand hanging limply at her side. He reaches down and takes it, but does not pull her closer.

“I don’t blame you for wanting to leave, but I’ve finally found something worth fighting for. I’ve found a family here, and no matter where you go you’re always welcome back into it.”

Fresh tears spring to her eyes. “Finn... _please_.”

He gives her hand a squeeze, then lets it go. “I hope you’re able to smile again,” he says with a sad smile of his own. “Don’t ever stop fighting. Fight for yourself. Keep Paige’s memory alive, and don’t ever stop fighting.”

Rose sways on her feet. She hikes up her shoulders, then barrels into Finn for a first and final embrace.

They don’t say anything to each other, instead letting the weight of each other do all the talking.

When Rose pulls away, she climbs into the pod and doesn’t dare look back.

Finn, however, watches until she is swallowed by the stars.

\-----

He finds Poe at the Dejarik table, bent over holograms of burly little aliens hellbent on killing one another. His hair has flopped over his face and his players are stuck in an idle animation, waiting to be played.

Without a word, Finn slips into the booth beside him. Poe jumps, and casually tries to return to the game.

“Uh, just strategizing. In case Chewie wants to play later.”

“I’m sorry.”

It really is easier said and done. Or at least, the beginning part is. The moment Poe looks at Finn, his entire thought process goes out the airlock.

“You’re-I’m...I’m stupid.”

Poe smiles, finally at ease. “No, you’re not. Now you are pretty stubborn.”

Finn laughs. “Yeah, I’ve...I’ve proven that.”

A beat passes, a beat Finn should have cashed in on. Poe waits on his expectantly, but utilizes the moment better than him.

“In all fairness, I’m...I’m sorry too. Yelling at you probably wasn’t the best way to get you to talk about your feelings.”

“At least you tried,” Finn admits. “I’m not...okay. I’m not okay, Poe. I haven’t been for a while now.”

Poe angles himself to face him, hands laced together on the table.

“I don’t sleep well. You were right,” he continues. “I’m hardly ever hungry nowadays. The force...I-I’m too scared to use it. Everything I thought I knew about myself feels...wrong. Everything except my name.”

Poe nods. “Does this have anything to do about the records that were found?”

“You knew?”

“Finn, we’re generals. I had to know.”

“Right. Yeah…I don’t know if I want to read mine.”

Poe blinks. “Why wouldn’t you?”

It’s a simple question to ask and a harder question to answer. The truth Finn has been searching for all his life is in his possession, and he’d rather continue living a lie.

But the lie he’s chosen isn’t a lie at all. His family is in this ship, and scattered throughout the galaxy. It’s every X-Wing pilot, artillery expect, war strategist, and other resistance member he’s had the pleasure of fighting with. It’s Poe and Rey and Rose and so many others.

Surely he can have both families, though. Surely he should _want_ both families.

And yet…

“I don’t know.”

Poe nods again. He unlaces his hands and lays one palm up, expectantly. Finn lays his hand overtop of his easily, an anchor to tie him down in this storm.

“Well, if you ever decide to...it doesn’t mean all of this has to chance. Whatever you want to do with that info is up to you. But we’ll always be here. I’ll...I’ll always be here.”

Warmth blossoms in Finn’s chest. Again, he finds himself with a confession on his tongue. Yet a different one comes out.

“Y’know...you’re not the same Poe Dameron I met on the _Finalizer_.”

Poe cocks his head at that. “I’m not?”

“No. You’ve...aged.”

His friend laughs. “Thanks buddy.”

“I mean, you’ve gotten...wiser. You’re more...I can’t really describe it.”

Conscious of people. Conscious of what’s being fought for. Conscious of a future he’s never factored into his plans before.

And the Poe he knows now admits to it. “I always thought I was gonna die in a cockpit. I never planned on my body being buried. But now...well, if I go doing that I’m kinda leaving you with all the work to do around here.”

His shoulders sag with a weight Finn can’t see.

“I’ve got blood on my hands I’ll never wash off...Maybe that’s what’s so different; that I’ve stopped trying to wash it all off and move on.”

He shakes from his sudden vulnerability. Finn holds onto him tightly, letting him know he’s there beyond their grip.

“You’re not irredeemable, Poe,” he whispers, knowing Poe is only thinking of that patch between his boots. No matter how many times Rose has sworn she’s forgiven him, her kindness has never stuck.

But Finn knows that the real reason he’s no longer holding hands with his old Poe Dameron is because he died on Crait, earning that forgiveness.

Poe doesn’t like to talk about Crait. It’s one of those unspoken rules between them. They don’t bring up the battle. They don’t bring up the moments before Poe slipped out of consciousness that day. They don’t acknowledge that they need to acknowledge what happened in those moments.

For professional rebels, they have a hard time breaking those rules.

Poe shuts off the Dejarik table, ending that topic of conversation. “So, are we good now?”

Finn continues to let things go unspoken. “We’re good.”

“If you’re not feeling up for this meeting, just say so bud. It’s not worth putting yourself on the backburner.”

 _But it is_ , Finn thinks unfortunately. They’ve got too many people counting on them to turn back now. “I’ll be alright. I can make it through.”

“How about we make a codeword for when things get too unbearable?”

Finn laughs. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“How about Jakku?”

“ _Jakku?_ ”

“What? Like the president is gonna think twice about that sandtrap.”

“Okay, fine. Jakku it is. And it’s Nallara, just so you know.”

Poe bangs his hand triumphantly on the table. “I knew it!”

“You did not.”


	5. Greetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe changes up his wardrobe. Rey makes history (again). Finn stumbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warming for a mild instance of an anxiety attack towards the end of the chapter

Finn has to be honest: Coruscant makes Yavin look like a dump.

Man-made skyscrapers will never compare to the beauty of nature, but as a leadership headquarters they’ve got the Republic beat. The towers flanking the _Falcon_ are all impressive and stoic in stature, so much so that Finn can’t distinguish which one is the Senate Chambers. You could easily dictate an entire trade system anywhere on this planet, even in the building these people consider a post office.

Rey lifts up Finn’s slacked jaw with two of her fingers. “Awestruck, are we?”

Finn laughs, scratching the back of his neck. “More like terrified.”

She leans her elbows onto the flight console, mirroring Finn almost perfectly. Together, they gaze upon this strange utopia before them. “It’s so...silver.”

“Too silver. There’s no...life.”

Rey hums in agreement. “Better not say that to the president.” She tilts her head in his direction. “Well, this is the life you’re in for now. How does it feel?”

Finn sucks in a deep breath, and releases it slowly. Slow enough for his lungs to sting and his heart to restart. The reality is setting in, and the shock may just kill him.

“Like I’m not qualified for this. That I don’t deserve all this power. No one does, really.”

“I know how you feel,” and Finn knows that Rey does. She’s the only one, other than Poe, who knows what it’s like to have history’s eyes boring into the back of their head. “Our positions are going to be challenged here, but remember what got you here in the first place.”

“You?”

Rey smiles. “That’s sweet, but I was gonna say _you_. Every choice you’ve made, every sacrifice...it was all for today. For this future. For this chance to harbor peace in our galaxy.”

“But am I worthy?”

“I don’t think so. No one is, just like you said. Maybe we earn our worth by proving ourselves at the top, not the bottom. Or maybe status doesn’t determine worth at all.” She leans off the console, beaming. “But you, Finn, are worthy. Don’t let _anyone_ make you think otherwise.”

Finn smiles uneasily. “I’ll do my best.”

“What about Poe? Is Poe worthy?”

Rey rolls her eyes, and Finn follows her annoyed stare. His jaw drops again. Poe had told him he’d invested in a finer set of clothing that he refers to as ‘Kiss-Ass Attire,’ but he hadn’t expected him to fit the look so _well_. A popped collar, subtle v-neck, and hemmed trousers, all made out perfectly-tailored and perfectly-crafted cloth, makes for one very flustered Finn.

Again, Rey has to close his jaw for him. “Nah. Poe has a lot of catching up to do. Flying the _Falcon_ properly, for a start.”

Poe chuckles, adjusting his cufflinks. “Well, Rey has to learn to use the hyperdrive more often. Makes it faster to get to places, y’know?” He winks at Finn, far too proud of himself. “How do I look?”

A rush of words spring to Finn’s mind, but all he does is stare.

Rey smacks his arm. “He looks gross, doesn’t he?”

Poe scoffs. “ _Rude_. You get to wear a bathrobe all day and nobody says anything!”

“No, y-you look good,” Finn musters, saving himself.

Poe tugs on his collar triumphantly. “Why thank you. At least someone here loves me.”

Rey waggles an eyebrow but says nothing, instead turning her attention to her flight controls.

“You’re gonna make me look like a slob,” Finn remarks as Poe takes a seat behind him.

Poe waves him off. “Not a chance. And I may have, uh, bought you a blazer. To match.”

Finn’s insides melt down to jelly. Rey mouths _‘To match’_ with an amazed smirk on her face.

“T-Thank you, but you didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” Poe insists, with such powerful sincerity Finn’s heart gives out yet again. “It’ll make us look good, I think. To be coordinated. Makes it look like we’re more competent than we may actually be.”

“It’ll be the first thing the president says,” Rey muses. “‘Oh, what lovely matching outfits!’”

“You know what-” Poe starts.

Chewbacca emerges from the engine room neatly groomed. He points a paw out the window with a short murmur.

“That’s the senate chambers?” Rey asks. “It’s just a giant bowl!”

Chewbacca growls again in confirmation.

“Looks more like a mushroom,” Finn offers. “Bit of a let down.”

“Let’s hope they don’t think of us as let downs either,” Poe mutters.

The second Finn steps off the _Falcon_ , he immediately wants to get back on.

Flanking their vessel is a dozen or so guards, all dressed in garb that puts Poe’s outfits to shame, sadly. They stand upright, poised and elegant, and watch as the four of them bumble down a red carpet ( _a real red carpet_ ) to greet the president.

President Nallara is dressed extravagantly, and yet more humbly than anyone else in the vicinity. While her clothes may be colorful and lively, her cold, calculating stare sucks away all the warmth of her appearance. Her headtails trail down to her hips, revealing her mature age and abundance of experience in intergalactic politics. Experience Finn and Poe are sorely lacking.

She stands with her hands clasped in front of her, and her nose pointed towards the sky.

Finn gulps.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Rey whispers to them.

A whoosh of air comes out of Poe’s mouth. “Sure, yeah. Keep saying that. Maybe you’ll make it true. Smiles everyone.”

He puts on the fakest smile Finn has ever seen and saunters right up to the president. “It’s an honor to meet you in person, President Nallura,” Poe says, extending his hand.

Finn can tell how proud Poe is that he nailed the pronunciation.

President Nallura eyes Poe’s hand with a look less disdainful and more vexing. She accepts his offer with a looser grip than Poe’s own. “The same can be said in return, General Dameron. And you, General...Finn.”

Finn brushes off the pause. There’s no time to dwell on her passive aggressiveness right now. He replaces Poe’s hand with his own once given the chance. “President Nallura, an honor. Thank you for moving our meeting back a few days.”

“It was no issue,” Nallura says, with a tone that implies it very much was an issue. She draws her hand back. “I hope you are feeling well again.”

“Very much so,” Finn smiles, overcompensating. The look the president gives him in tells him she knows he is too.

Only ten seconds of interaction and she’s already commanded power over them. Nothing better than for generals of the new Republic to act so malleable in the presence of influential leaders.

The president moves on to her next target. “It has been a lifetime since a Jedi has stepped foot on senate grounds.”

Rey steps forward, sheepishly offering her hand. “I’m Rey.”

“I know.” Nallura does not offer her hand. Rey lets her falls back to her side. “Rey Palpatine. That name is not one that is welcome here.”

Finn shoots Poe an immediate, panicked glance. Poe is already looking at him when he does. Great. This is great. This is really, really great.

But thankfully, Rey decides to be the savior of the galaxy yet again. “I agree. That’s why I have rejected that name. I was never a Palpatine, and I will never be one. Just call me Rey.”

President Nallara arcs a brow. “Just Rey?”

“That’s who I am. One name is all I need.”

The president nods, satisfied. “I see. Well Rey, you and your friends are welcome to join me for dinner. We will discuss plans for your many excursions once seated.”

She turns, leading them all into the chambers without another word. Finn falls into step with Rey, letting out a sigh.

“Thank you.”

Rey smirks. “Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.”

“I know, but I’m also trying to be courteous.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Or at least acting like I am,” he admits.

Poe matches their pace, coming up on Finn’s other side. “I can’t believe we haven’t fucked it all up yet.”

“Me neither. You’re smiling like a Hutt. Just be yourself.”

“Do you know me? Nall-era isn’t gonna like that- _Nallara_. Nallara. Nallara.”

Finn bites his lip, suppressing a smile. Heat crawls up his neck, pooling in his cheeks. Composure. He needs to stay composed. He can make a fool of himself later if he wants.

Then everything is silent.

The buzz of afternoon sky traffic ceases. Poe’s frantic murmuring stops. The footsteps of the guards behind then go quiet.

Finn keeps walking, though he wants nothing more than to flee.

_I know you._

_“_ No you don’t.”

The silence shatters.

Finn stumbles, grasping onto Poe’s sleeve to steady himself. 

“You alright buddy?” Poe whispers.

The president throws a glance over her shoulder.

Finn keeps a neutral face. “Just tripped. That’s all. Just tripped.”

A cold sweat settles on the back of his neck.

——-

In his hands is a helmet. A stormtrooper helmet. A helmet Finn has sworn never to put on again, and yet he has to.

They’ve made it this far. They’ve snuck onboard Snoke’s ship with Maz’ medallion. They’ve incapacitated two troopers. They’ve stripped the troopers of their armor. Finn now just has to put on said armor.

He can’t do it.

“I can’t do it.”

Poe stops jamming on his forearm pads, fingers caught between plastic and stiff fabric. “What?”

“I-I can’t put it on. Poe, please don’t make me put it on.”

There’s blood streaked across his face, dead villagers at his feet. There’s the glint of Phasma’s helmet and the sharp, sinister, _agonizing_ burn of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber along his spine. There’s a terror that makes his muscles shrivel, his organs sickly, and his eyes misty.

Poe frees himself, his hand falling on Finn’s shoulder. “Buddy, they’ll know it’s you the moment they see your face.”

He doesn’t understand. Finn _can’t._ He can’t and his hysteria is going to cost them everything. “I’m sorry. There has to be something else. Please.”

Poe bites his lip. He looks at Finn for a long, long time. Or at least it feels as so. Finn knows how much is at stake; not just for the resistance but before Poe himself. He’s devoted everything to it, and here Finn is throwing away all he’s given.

Then, carefully, Poe takes Finn’s helmet out of his trembling hands.

“It’s okay. I’ve got an idea.”

A rush of air comes bursting out of Finn. “Thank you. I’m so sorry.”

Poe gives him a soft smile. “Don’t be. Do me a favor? Take some deep breaths, and I’ll be back with a new outfit for ya.”

With that, he slides the helmet over his head. He has spared Finn and offered him a kindness Finn will never be able to return. Not fully, and certainly not if they die here.

The further they go through with the mission, the more Finn suspects they won’t be making it to the rondevu on Crait.

Poe grabs a blaster and rushes out of the supply closet they’ve commandeered as their little changing station. He shoots Finn a little salute before disappearing, and despite everything it makes Finn feel safe.

Then silence falls.

_You’re not alone._

_Neither are you._

His breath catches, panic returning. Maz looks up from her blaster, face caught in a scowl.

“Who did you hear?”

Finn steps backwards until he hits the wall, the room closing in on him.

“Rey.”

And Ren. Rey and Kylo Ren. There’s no denying it now. He knows, somehow, they’ve grown closer. They’ve been talking, bargaining, plotting.

And he’s lost her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
